Hello again....

I know what it’s like to be full of anxiety, turbulence, and to go through periods feeling disconnected from who I really am. I’ve dedicated my life to being happier, finding contentment, and using self-knowledge to take back my power and reconnect. I’m committed to sharing what I’m learning from the healing process, so that you can see that change is possible for you too.

‘Knowledge Is Power’

Every experience I have had has led to wisdom in some shape or form. I understand what it’s like to go through good moments, as well as the bad and painful moments, where I wondered how I was going to make it through.

All of these events in our lives offer us some sort of treasure – if we take the time to look. And in finding this treasure we take back our power. Let me share what I’ve found on my journey so far:

I grew up in Letterkenny, Co. Donegal as the second of four children in the Kelly household. I have a strong mother who taught me right from wrong, how to nurture integrity, how to observe the impact of my actions on others, and how to take responsibility. I have a supportive father who showed me that it was okay to follow my curiosities and explore, in an unassuming manner. This upbringing gave me the courage to do what I wanted to do and to speak my mind. My primary school days are perfectly summed up by something my former principal said in conversation only a few years ago, ‘You weren’t a trouble maker, you just always knew your own mind’.

Spending so much time at my Dad’s car sales business gave me an interest in cars. We would follow countless rally events each year, as Dad’s garage was a sponsor of many competitors. The thrill of the speed is what got me hooked. I learned how to drive when I was 8 years old, at the back of my house, which is probably not advisable nowadays. I loved the focus and freedom that driving offered me, as I was always so in my head in those days. So, when I started driving quads and cars recreationally it taught me to be present, it got me out of my head and I experienced serenity. Quite the paradox!

Going to an all-girl secondary school was a shock to the system. I found that there was quite a bit of judgment, for everyone, and I tried hard to fit in – something I had never really done before. It was all about ‘doing the right thing’ by causing no offence or doing anything to jeopardise my place within a group. My natural kindness and good heart didn’t shine through in those days. As a result there were lots of moments I am not proud of.

As Maya Angelou said, ‘When you know better, you do better’ and I definitely didn’t know any better, at that time.

Towards the end of school I started competing in rallying. It was my dream come true, and I felt a real sense of self re-emerge, which had been lost at school. Rallying brought me back to my authenticity.

I found my voice again. I found that it made me different, and it was around that time that I figured out that being different wasn’t always a bad thing. It helped me take back my power. I was so lucky to have found something, at such a young age, that gave me the courage to be authentic, even if it meant being 'different'.

The car world is slightly male-dominated, and growing up immersed in this world made me comfortable in this environment. I felt like I was always part of the team, it was normal to me. As my granny used to say, ‘You’re no better than anyone else… but you’re no worse either’. It was always pointed out to me that I was a girl in a male-dominated sport, but for me gender never entered my mind, I was just doing what I loved to do. I wasn’t trying to be different or special, I just loved the opportunity to drive fast.

Towards the end of school, the Leaving Certificate exams were a brutal experience and such a challenge to my mental health. I was very sore on myself, and I didn’t recognise how much stress I was inducing.

The stress continued afterwards too. Everybody was off to college and I was at home pursuing my dream of being a rally driver. I didn’t realise it at the time, but competing in rallies was also a major source of stress. What drove me to change was that I could no longer physically cope. I had developed a stress induced stomach ulcer. The mind may trick you, but when the body speaks, you listen.

I felt, way deep down, that this couldn't be the only way to live, and that there had to be another way. You may have everything you’ve ever wanted in life, but what is it all for, if there’s no inner peace or contentment. I started reading up on the mind-body connection through sports psychology books, and how the mind influences so much in terms of generating positive results.

‘Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way you’re right’ - Henry Ford.

Something had to give, and it came in the form of an accident while rallying in 2007. Physically I was unharmed, but fear raised its ugly head and the anxiety and panic attacks were keeping me from rallying. This marked the start of my journey into hypnotherapy. I decided to visit the wonderful hypnotherapist Niamh Flynn in Galway.

Within a few sessions, I began to feel like myself again and over time I began to enjoy competing once more. In fact, the sessions with Niamh, and the influence of hypnosis, actually helped me drive better than I had ever driven in the past, and once I could see and feel these benefits, I started using hypnotherapy all the time, even on the smallest of things.

Being well-known, albeit locally, was not for me – it messed with my head; I thought that everyone was judging me and what I was doing. It fed my ego in a way that made me believe that all eyes were on me, when in reality they probably weren’t. With this type of mindset, it makes it so hard to stay authentic and true to yourself.I was also working in car sales at this time, I sold my first car aged 13. I decided to expand my horizons, so off I went to Dublin looking for a job. I found one as a retail sales assistant and supervisor with a well-known fashion brand. Dublin was a lonely place for me. I had no social life and I only lasted a short time, despite being offered a promotion before leaving. In hindsight it was a great experience, I proved to myself that I could move away and try new things, but most importantly, to be able to say 'no' when things didn’t align.

I moved home and got a job in car sales again, this time with a big regional dealer. It reinforced what I disliked about sales in general; having to meet targets above all else. That ethos just didn’t sit well with me. Plus a difficult relationship with my boss ensured that I lost all sense of who I was, and I completely lost sight of what value I could bring to the table. Eventually I knew that it wasn’t the path for me, life is just too short to waste doing something that causes you so much struggle.

I took time out, recovered from the experience, and with encouragement from Dad, I trained to be a driving instructor, and started my own driving academy in 2011. I loved it initially, but as the business grew and I became busier and ‘more successful’, I realised that I dearly missed getting to know each person in more depth, so that I could really understand their challenges and needs, and cater to them specifically. We are all so different, in so many ways, and our potential is often only reached when we avoid following the conventional template.

After benefitting so much from hypnotherapy, I knew it could help so many others. With huge encouragement from Niamh Flynn, I finally became a qualified practitioner in 2013. I started practising it professionally very gradually, initially I only used hypnosis to help my driving students with their anxiety and driving test nerves. Over time I started helping clients with more personal issues, and it was then that I knew that I needed to let hypnotherapy take the 'driver's seat' in my career-journey.

I fell in love, I got married. We created a beautiful home. I had a thriving business. We went on beautiful holidays, had great friends and our families got on brilliantly. Once again my life was perfect… but just from the outside. Deep inside, I still felt lost; there was a lack of peace and contentment that I couldn't ignore.

Like so many people in this situation, I looked for help. I found it in the form of a psychotherapist and this experience, over three years, changed my life completely. The weekly conversations kept me grounded, even through the most turbulent periods of my life. This consistent external support eventually led me back to myself, the most authentic part of who I am.

I discovered that I had been depressed, and had been for quite some time. Being able to understand what was happening inside my mind and body helped me take a softer approach with myself. Working through the pain was going to be worth it. It was a great support when my marriage ended and as I closed my business. The depression lifted over time, and I found that I was coming home to myself, more and more.

It’s vital to understand what is really going on, inside of yourself, and realise that it’s perfectly normal to be the way you are. Only then can you gain the courage to feel your feelings deeply, let them pass in their own time and start to feel that you’re able to direct your own life again.

Anyone that knows me will tell you that I fully believe that everything happens for a reason, and every experience has a lesson. It’s as though all of these difficult moments were put in place to help me gain the strength for my next discovery; my sexuality.

After a trip to America in 2018, I felt like something changed in the way I viewed myself. At first it felt like a phase, that it was confusion from all of the emotional trauma over the past few years, and that I just needed to let it pass. But this phase did not pass, and it was clear that I needed to come to terms with the fact I was gay. This realisation created much internal turmoil, just like it does for so many others who come to terms with their true selves.

I felt deeply ashamed. I felt wrong and broken on so many levels. My mind had convinced me that I was straight for 30 years. It was not ok for me to be gay. In fact, being a lesbian was never an option, it didn’t even cross my mind. How could I not have known this about myself? This sense of personal betrayal was my deepest battle. I struggled with this discovery for such a long time, and to be honest it's still an ongoing process, grieving the loss of who I thought I was and dealing with the quiet whispers of my own internal homophobia.

The soul always knows the deepest truth of who you are. If you are not living your truth, there will be turbulence.

This soul connection kept me going through this period. I believed that something greater was guiding the way, a higher purpose or a deeper knowing. Acceptance and trust were so important at this time, but yet again, it was courage that was required in order to change the things that needed changing. I slowly came to terms with my truth and began to tell 'my people'. This experience offered me the chance to help others understand too, which was quite therapeutic, for us all, on reflection.

We need courage to take the time that is necessary to look deeper, and to work through the emotional pain. It really breaks my heart that not everyone has the opportunity to do this; to seek help and work through things properly. I believe that everyone deserves this, and that’s why I’m here.